ATTACHMENT BASED RELATIONSHIP COACHING
Transforming your relationships
Have you ever found yourself experiencing
one or perhaps many of the following?:
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Struggling to trust others, often expecting that people will eventually let you down, hurt or leave you?
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Fearing rejection or abandonment, even when in a stable romantic relationship?
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Becoming preoccupied or anxious after meeting someone, craving reassurance that they like or want you, even if you’ve only just met them?
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Wanting to be in a relationship, yet feeling so anxious that even the idea of going on a date feels overwhelming or frightening?
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Experiencing intense emotions such as anxiety, anger or emotional numbness and finding it difficult to return to a calm state once you’ve been triggered by someone?
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Spending months or even years in a relationship, only to look back and struggle to understand why you stayed in something that felt unsatisfying or even unhealthy
for so long?
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Not communicating how you’ve been affected when a partner or friend has hurt you, perhaps fearing criticism or rejection if you did?
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Feeling like you have to keep giving more and more just to keep the relationship going — to the point that it becomes draining?
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Allowing others to cross your boundaries, or feeling confused about where your boundaries actually are, or whether you’re allowed to express them?
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Expecting others, for example you partner, a close friend or family member to just know what you want or don’t want without you clearly and directly expressing it—and then feeling disappointed or hurt when they don’t respond the way you hoped?
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Worrying that you will need to give up too much of yourself in order to be in a relationship, fearing being trapped or suffocated ?
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Believing that you should only rely on yourself and avoiding seeking support even when life feels really difficult — perhaps preferring to drink, game, binge-watch or engage
in other solitary distractions, rather than seeking support from others?
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Pulling away from emotional closeness and avoid sharing about yourself because vulnerability feels uncomfortable?
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Keeping relationships at a safe, controlled distance and finding it very difficult when others share their emotions with you?
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Having a pattern of short-lived relationships, often ending them abruptly after a disagreement or argument, only to later regret the decision and wonder why you were so quick to walk away?
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Believing that relationships should be free of conflict or disagreement?
This belief may have led you to avoid difficult conversations or interpret disagreements
as evidence of failure rather than as normal and often constructive parts of a close
relationship.
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Believing that being in a relationship is too difficult and just not for you, yet still feeling lonely and craving someone in your life?
The descriptions below highlight only some common features
of each attachment style
Every person is unique, with their own individual experiences, strengths and challenges. Attachment styles are not 'labels' but knowing your predominant attachment style helps
with identifying tools to achieve change you desire.
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Anxious attachment
People with an anxious attachment style often desperately crave closeness, reassurance and emotional connection. They may fear abandonment or rejection and can become highly sensitive to shifts in communication, affection or attention within relationships. This may lead to overthinking, people-pleasing, anxiety or difficulty feeling emotionally stable.
They often have the core wound of “I am not good enough” and may have learned that love and attention are inconsistent, which can create a heightened sensitivity to signs of rejection or distance.
They may repeatedly overanalyse conversations or interpret silence as rejection.
During conflict, an anxiously attached person may seek immediate reassurance; they may have a strong need to resolve the issue right away as they fear the possibility that their partner is losing interest or that the relationship is in danger.
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Dismissive-avoidant attachment
People with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style tend to value independence and self-reliance above all else. They may feel uncomfortable with vulnerability, emotional dependence or too much closeness, often pulling away when relationships become emotionally intense. While they may deeply care for others, expressing emotions openly can feel challenging.
They often have the core wound of "I am defective" and also believe that others will not meet their needs. They may have experienced early in life their emotional needs were ignored, discouraged or not consistently supported.
During conflict, they may distance themselves, emotionally " shut down" or minimise the importance of the issue. They may focus on logic and problem-solving while disconnecting from emotional aspects of the disagreement. They may appear calm externally while internally feeling stressed/threatened.
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Fearful - avoidant attachment
People with fearful-avoidant attachment combine both - a desire for deep connection and a fear of intimacy or getting hurt ( “I want love, but love is dangerous” ). They may experience inner conflict in relationships, wanting closeness while simultaneously pushing others away. This can create emotional highs and lows, inconsistency and difficulty trusting others.
They often have the core wound of " I will be betrayed" and may struggle with trusting others.
This attachment style often develops from experiences where relationships felt unpredictable, unsafe or emotionally confusing.
During conflict, they may experience a push-and-pull response. They may strongly desire reassurance and resolution but then feel overwhelmed and withdraw. They may struggle to believe that conflict can be repaired safely.
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Secure attachment
People with a secure attachment style generally feel comfortable with both intimacy and independence. They are able to communicate openly, set healthy boundaries, regulate emotions effectively, and build stable, trusting relationships. Secure attachment supports emotional safety and balanced connection with others.
People with a secure attachment generally do not carry a strong attachment-related core wound because they have developed a belief that relationships can be safe, stable, and supportive. Their underlying belief is often, “I am worthy of love, and other people can be trusted”.
During conflict, a securely attached person is usually able to communicate openly, listen to their partner’s perspective and work toward a solution without feeling that the relationship itself is at risk. They can tolerate disagreements without becoming overly defensive or shutting down.
Here are some notes on how your attachment style can play a role in your relationship with work, money and success...
Workplaces do not rely on skills alone, they also require emotional regulation and the ability to manage relationships effectively. Your attachment style can quietly influence how you interpret feedback, how much pressure you place on yourself, how you relate to authority figures and how comfortable you feel collaborating with others. It can influence your leadership style, communication habits, and how you handle conflict. In many cases, it affects career stability and burnout risk even more than technical skill alone.
People with Anxious Attachment
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Often have a strong need for approval and fear of rejection.
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May overwork to prove their value.
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Can become very sensitive to feedback or tone changes in emails/messages.
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May frequently seek reassurance from managers or colleagues.
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Can struggle with boundaries and take on too much responsibility.
Relationship to success and money:
Many high achievers come from anxious attachment because achievement becomes linked to self-worth.
Money may feel like emotional safety.
They may overspend to gain validation or status.
Financial anxiety can continue even after becoming successful.
Example: An employee with anxious attachment may panic after receiving short feedback from a boss, assuming they are about to lose their job.
People with Dismissive Avoidant Attachment
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Often prefer working alone or having control over tasks; they show discomfort with relying on others.
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May avoid asking for help even when overloaded.
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Can seem detached or overly self-reliant in teams.
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May struggle with open communication in emotionally charged situations.
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Often focus on competence and performance rather than relationships at work.
Relationship to success and money:
They may prioritise career success over emotional relationships.
Money can represent freedom and control.
Some become very financially disciplined because they rely mainly on themselves.
May secretly tie self-worth to achievement while appearing emotionally detached.
Example: A highly successful entrepreneur may avoid asking for help even when overwhelmed because dependence
feels unsafe.
People with Fearful-Avoidant Attachment
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Can be more inconsistent, combining both anxiety and avoidance.
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May alternate between over-involvement and withdrawal.
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Can struggle with trust in managers or teammates.
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Their work performance may fluctuate depending on emotional state.
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May fear criticism but also avoid support.
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Can experience cycles of burnout and disengagement.
Relationship to success and money:
Money may feel emotionally charged.
They may alternate between impulsive spending and extreme control.
Success can trigger fear because visibility and responsibility feel unsafe.
They may unconsciously destroy opportunities when things start going well.
Example: Someone may work obsessively to get promoted, then suddenly lose motivation or quit once the promotion becomes real.
People with Secure Attachment
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Tend to feel stable and confident in themselves and in other people relationships e.g. coworkers.
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Can communicate clearly with colleagues and managers.
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They can handle feedback without taking it personally.
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They are comfortable asking for help when needed.
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They balance independence with teamwork effectively.
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They usually build steady, long-term career progress because they are consistent and emotionally regulated.
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They can lead without controlling others.
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They recover from mistakes faster.
Potential problems- may underestimate office politics because they assume others are honest.
They may take on emotional labor for the team.
Relationship to success and money:
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They tend to build stable careers over time.
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They are often good at networking because they trust relationships.
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They usually make balanced financial decisions rather than emotional ones.
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Success feels meaningful, not just proof of worth.